Women Mental Health: Carol’s Story.

In my introductory blog, we had a chat about the role-related cause of depression. In this write-up, let’s look closely at the impact of adverse childhood experiences (ACE) and trauma on women mental health.

Carol started her story by sharing what her nan said to her as a child “It’s a wonder you aren’t in the loony bin”, said my nan.  “I didn’t understand what she meant until I became an adult”. Carol is a beautiful lady whose story I have the privilege to share exclusively with you. She was on the BBC Essex in August 2022 to promote the suicide prevention programme which she pioneered.

It was fascinating listening to her story on how she witnessed the physical and psychological abuse her mum experienced. Carol described her Dad as controlling and manipulative. She said pointedly, “It was not the best environment for a child to grow, as he did not try to mask his behaviour.”  He would take her to visit other “women” (his mistresses) while she played with their children and “daddy talked to their mummy”.

Having said that, it is expedient to recognise and appreciate the great Dads out there who are doing a remarkable job!

These adverse childhood experiences (ACE) shaped and influenced her relationships as a grown up woman. Carol reflected, “It’s fair to say my judgement of choosing a spouse was somewhat skewed, partly influenced by the example I saw growing up”. The two other significant men in her life: her son’s father and her second partner, unsurprisingly had controlling and manipulative traits.

She explained they all but succeeded in altering her personality and mannerisms. Her partner would say:

“You’re too loud”.

“Why don’t you wear make-up more often?”

“Why don’t you wear skirts and dresses?”.

“I don’t like you playing football”.

“I don’t like that you have boy mates”.

“I don’t like that you smoke”.

“Why do you dance and sing all the time?”

The young and beautiful Carol was deeply in love, consequently eager to please him. She found it pretty difficult to speak up for herself, her self-esteem and identity chipped off with each day she stayed on with him. Eventually, Carol became frustrated and deeply unhappy.

A little digression: this is similar to an experience I had with a patient and her partner (shared anonymously with permission). I was in a consultation with this lady, accompanied by her husband when he said “It’s only our daughter that is beautiful: without make-up my wife is not beautiful”! At that moment the lady broke down in tears…, It was my patient’s appointment, hence I checked in with her if she would prefer to be seen alone? of course, she agreed. Subsequently, appropriate intervention and support was offered.

Back to Carol, she did her best to please him and make the relationship work. She said, “I hated the days of silent treatment that followed our arguments, especially if it resulted from something I did or said”.

Carol was isolated from the support network she desperately needed at the time. Her partner did not particularly get along with her family.  They lived together for three years with no solid plans to start a family.  “I raised this concern occasionally, but he wanted us to move from East to South of London”!  Carol was already feeling isolated from her family and friends, this proposal was set to sever the already feeble link. Carol went on to tell me, “this was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I ended the relationship”.

“I blamed myself for staying with him that long. Fast-forward two- three years I hadn’t met anyone else, while he had moved on”.

Carol partied hard and felt amazing while at it. She would dance through the night but left feeling empty, with a terrible hangover and sadness the following day.

“The entire experience with my father and the other two men took its toll on me and my mental health. Lots of depression, low self-esteem and self-loathing”, said Carol. She searched deep for something to fill the gaping void she felt inside. “I would look in the mirror and not like or respect what I saw” added Carol, as I listened earnestly.

She always puts everyone else’s needs ahead of hers and on this, I truly identify with Carol. A little bit of my own experience: Over the years, I have learnt this gem: there is no way I can truly love others and meet their needs if I have not learnt to love myself and meet my own mental health needs. I always say this to my two gorgeous children, “a rested mum is a less grumpy one ?”.

When I give, I do it wholeheartedly, but at some point I was resenting this great trait in me, why, because I was pouring from an empty jar! Life is truly a balance of love for yourself and others.

Let’s head back to Carol. When she hit rock bottom, Carol realised how much she needed to find help and change her mindset. She started with psychotherapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Cognitive behavioural therapy is a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you feel, think and act.

CBT opened her eyes to how toxic her relationships were, Carol came to terms with the fact that people came into our lives to either learn from us or vice versa.

“Yemisi, all these helped, but the change catalyst was the realisation that I needed to work on myself and my personal development”, Carol said affirmatively.

She took inspiration from those who had been in a ‘bad place’ and completely turned their lives around.

Carol discovered mind and mindset expansion through books. These are a few of her favourite authors: Dale Carnegie, Napoleon Hill, John C Maxwell.

A particular one that brought about an apt change to Carol was “The Miracle Morning: The 6 Habits That Will Transform Your Life Before 8AM” by Hal Erod

A quick snippet into the gems she discovered:

S – Silence, prayer, meditation (whatever works for you)

A – Affirmations

V – Visualisation

E – Exercise

R – Reading

S – Scribing (writing or journaling)

Ultimately, with this massive switch in her life, she enjoyed a comeback on her finances, stress management and self-development. Carol is now a Neurolinguistic Programming Practitioner with a Life Coaching Diploma and an IT Project Manager.

The journey out of depression will vary from one person to another depending on the circumstances, however there is one thing we all need to do, take the first step to find the right help and support. Carol’s support system is her son. “It has not been easy, it takes practice to stay positive and motivated. 

It is not uncommon to go through seasons that are gloomy and dark when the motivation has completely vanished. The key is not to stay there too long, engage with your support network and take that step forward again. To know more about your support network, why not stop by this article I wrote about my support network.

Why not reach out to me or your healthcare professional to explore available resources to manage your mental health concerns. These can range from medications for anxiety or depression to talking therapies.

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Remember you remain amazing always!

Much love

Yemisi